Dollar Movie

NO MOVIE Wednesday, December 6

There’s no movie today. Not a big loss — shouldn’t you be studying, anyway?

District B13 Thursday, December 7 8 10 12

If you’re shocked to hear that kick-ass French action movies exist, clearly you have never heard of screenwriter Luc Besson (The Professional, The Transporter). In this romp, Paris has walled off the dangerous ghetto, District B13. Inside, a cop and a crook must team up to take down a local gang, and — OK, trust me, the plot doesn’t matter. What matters is that the action scenes have more energy and movement than gas molecules sans wussy computer effects. A breathtaking waste of time. Go: Reckless, insane stunt work in the best action sequences you’ll see all year. No go: Plot so nonsensical and lazy that it may actually make you dumber.

Snakes on a Plane Friday, December 8 8 10 12

You followed the hype. You watched all the Samuel L. Jackson clips on YouTube. But you didn’t go see it. For shame! Make amends by going tonight. The title says it all: There are snakes on a plane. Panic. Because of what those snakes did to his daughter, Sam Jackson hopes they die and burn in hell — wait, wrong movie. Anywho, this is the perfect movie to see in a crowded auditorium with college students. Go: It has snakes. On a plane. No go: If you get your kicks from the existential musings of Camus, you probably won’t get much out of this movie.

Jackass Number Two Saturday, December 9 8 10 12

So far it’s Shut Off Your Brain Week at Dollar Movie. I’ll make this review sound smarter. Jackass Number Two, a post-modern documentary, explores the plight of Gen X males whose lives have too many resources and not enough pain. Witness the deeply personal journeys of Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, and Wee Man as they struggle to find new ways to experience joy — and heartbreak. It will change the way you think about idiots with money. Go: It’s Jackass. If you can handle it, you’ll laugh until you cry. Or vice-versa. No go: If you haven’t liked Jackass before, then this won’t change your mind.

Wet Hot American Summer Sunday, December 10 8 10 12

Remember the joys of summer camp? No? Oh, right, between the stuffy cliques, the atomic wedgies, the megalomaniacal counselors, and the basket-weaving, it wasn’t that much fun. Neither is this movie. In fact, if I told you that the same writing team behind MTV’s brilliant The State delivered this steaming pile, you might lose your head. At least Paul Rudd is in it for a while, and he’s pretty reliable. Go: If you miss Frasier, you may enjoy David Hyde Pierce as an astrophysicist. Wait, why is there an astrophysicist in a summer camp movie? No go: I’ll bet money that the people who enjoyed traditional summer camp didn’t end up at Carnegie Mellon building robots.