Dollar movie

The Rock 10 12:30

Nick Cage: I’ll try my best. Sean Connery: Try your best? Losers always try their best. Winners go home and f&%k the prom queen.

If you like saucy Sean Connery in fast-paced action flicks, then this movie is for you. If you like crazy and implausible plotlines, then this movie is for you. If you’d prefer not to go home and f&%k the prom queen, maybe you should skip it. The plot: Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage have to break into Alcatraz when a bunch of ex-Marines who are hella disgruntled kidnap a tour group that was visiting the prison and threaten to unleash toxic terrorist gas on L.A.

Ondskan 8 10 12

You might know this movie better by the title Evil. Sounds cheerful. Sounds... Swedish! In Sweden, a boy transfers to a fancy prep school and finds out that all the upperclassmen enforce strict obedience upon the younger students and turn to violence when crossed. Hey... that was *my* high school too! So one thing leads to another, and eventually the Swedish boy fights the system and uses his wit and superior swimming ability to become the hero of all the little kids, also earning him a spot among other Swedish legends, like Gunther.

Borat 8 10 12

Sigh. Borat is supposedly rip-roaringly hilarious and one of the finer comedies of the year. Sacha Baron Cohen plays a man from Kazakhstan who goes to America to make fun of people. Or let them make fun of themselves. An hour and a half of watching other people make fools of themselves as they converse with a man who’s there on false pretenses, what a gas. You’ll probably feel smarter by the end of this film. From what I’ve heard you’ll also kind of feel sad for your country. But you’ll laugh.

Fearless 8 10 12

There’s a man. And a sword. And his martial arts badassery. The man is Jet Li. The film is Fearless. If you think you need to know about the plot, think again. It’s probably great anyway, so don’t sweat it. Apparently, Fearless is based on a true story — but honestly, listen up: Huo (Jet Li) had a dad who didn’t want him to fight, but Huo became famous for it anyway. Then, after Huo kills a man in a fight, his family is slain in retaliation. Our hero is down and out until a sweet group of ladies offers him kindness. (I bet there’s one in particular who wants to bone him. Who’s with me?) Finally, Huo is picked to battle in a tournament against representatives of different styles of fighting from all around the world. I wonder who wins.

The OH in Ohio 8 10 12

The movie may be about orgasms but this is no Pirates. The rather cliched idea of a woman who cannot achieve an orgasm with the man she loves serves as the premise for this film. I can’t see this getting much better when the frustrated man in her life begins to have an affair with an 18-year-old. As the film progresses, she finds solace in vibrators and Danny DeVito. Supposedly there’s very little actual sex in this film — and yet a lot of overwrought ideas. I mean, it might be fun. Or you could stay home and masturbate.