horoscopes

After getting into a bar brawl with an Indian man sporting a heavy mustache, you and he will share a cup of coffee, a humorous anecdote, and a mutual respect for life and family values.

Dye your hair chartreuse and text someone LOL — that's right, you're living the wild life.

While riding the 61C this week, you will find 10 forgotten dollars in your jeans from two years ago. Yay for lost change.

Your grandma will utter a politically incorrect and potentially offensive term in the presence of your friends and embarrass you.

I am not an empty jar of threats — no horoscope for you this week. Next time, you'll consider my demands.

Plaid shorts and polos are no way to go through life. Wear your hat like a law-abiding citizen and show some darn respect.

Rita's is now offering caramel apple and the return of pumpkin spice cream ice. This horoscope reading is sponsored by Rita's Water Ice.

You will try, in vain, to sell tickets to an actual gun show.

Discover that the best things in life are free. Or better yet, made of duct tape.

You will break out your old school Pokémon Red game only to find out that your saved games are lost.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb? Two.

This week someone will mistake you for a fat version of someone they know. However, that person ends up being you.